Piece of my diary

30 – 11- 2009

It have been a while since I wrote anything in here and the reason that made me search for my diary everywhere was a movie called " Zay Enharda". I found my diary in my pink box " my memory box" I took the diary and removed the dust on the cover with my hand and started writing… it was a great movie actually I cried when you realize how the past keep playing with your present and future and how we refuse to let go of it… how hard is it for us to face all of that!!!

The last scene of the movie when she knew that her brother is going to kill her beloved and when she knew that if she went there she will be killed for believing that the future is all about the past. Although that entire she ran, she ran as fast as she can just to face her density or was that her choice!!?

I don’t know if we can choose what we will face or how we can deal with what's in our life!

I heard a theory that what we can't choose is just 10% of our life and what we can choose; the other 90% is just our reaction to that 10% we can't choose!!

Sometimes I feel that life is so damn complicated and other times it gets so simple so simple that freaks you out!!

So was it written for me to watch this movie today so I can go and search for my diary and write that?!! Or simply I choose to write about the corner of life I didn’t see before and maybe and only maybe someone read and see what I can see now and it will make a different. I don't know and I don't know if I supposed to know after all.

All I'm thinking about now is trying to figure out how people fall in and out of love for more than one time by their choices or like they said everything happen for a reason!! I mean I have been in one love story and I'm lost, broken and confused and yet in love so did I choose the wrong person or the wrong place and time? Or maybe it was written for me to feel that way so I can get out or solve what we face then I'll know that I'm in the right place!! I really don't know its all about what we think and what we believe… they say you see all the answer in front of your eyes while taking the last breathe …and yet we choose our last word about what we feel.

Be alive

Get inspired by everything in your life

Get inspired by the rain, by the sun, by the air, by the sea.

By sadness, by happiness, by loneliness

Every feeling is there for you to get inspired, to create, to be creative.

Live in the moment!! Feel the sun on your skin, feel the air going through your hair

Run scream sing!! Color your room with your favorite color, color your life.

Laugh laugh laugh!! until your stomach hurts!

Smile for no reason. Put a smile on someone face

Help your parents, friends, and strangers

Dance… let your body go wild … feel free to be free… breaking away!!

Watch the blue sky, wish upon the shooting stars.

LOVE!! It’s the best gift for your heart…love yourself…love everybody around you … get carried away… love the little thing in life.

Love every mistake every memory every smile every feeling every tear every fail every success

Don’t give up … try … your needs worth fighting for

Breathe!! Just breathe and hold on.

Be positive…

Taste the sweetness in your mouth

Smell the salt of the sea, watch the waves.

Touch some one life!!

Be different, be unique, and make a change.

Write a song!!

Dream….believe … care!!

Learn a new thing every day!!

Fly a kite!! feel young… ride a bicycle

See the pretty side of the world.

It never end .... !!

When I was young and before I actually get my life my bio teacher once told us in the class that "men love stupid women… so try to be one to please him" and like every advice she told us we took it in our so UN experience mind and with a thrill.

And as I grow I saw lot of girls just losing their own personality, their goal, their hobbies even their career and eventually their life and becoming just the shadow of him, the pale person, and the unspeakable mind.

Sadly is it? To lose half of our society just to please the other half!! If we really are sure that something please them after all!!

Do we really have to lose ourselves?

While I was watching the devil wears Prada and step ford wives for the million times I asked my self the same question

Do we always have to choose between your success in your career and your personal life? Do we always have to step forward no matter what? And what ever it takes? I have lot of ambition for my career I actually wanna make a different in the world; I really wanna be something for several reasons

It's not that to prove that we can do it!!! We have proved that from million years ago and we are already doing it!! But still we face lot of difficulty in that issue!!

What men say to women when they wanna work!!

1st

"your number one career in the world is to rise the children and take care of your home plus why do you want to" tbhdly nfsk" when you can stay at home like a princess"

It's too familiar to us to explain

Yeah its true if your work just give you hell then look for a better place but who said you will always gat what you want that easy !!?

We have to work hard sometimes to get to the right place.

2^nd

"Our religion state that women should stay home and men get the money for living it's not right for you to work"

Completely wrong… our religion valuable the women in very single way we have to be comfort in our life because we have a very important role so as long as we are comfort and working with decent people then why not?

"El saeda Khatiga" had her own business and she had her own source of money.

Actually she married "el Rasol" (salah Allah 3leha w salm) from her business trading and it was okay for her to work!

3^rd

"You will be busy all the time … I just want you to be mine"

So selfish!! You will be out of home most of the day

And we will stay home lonely waiting for you in a bad mood

And of course you will be stressed from working so I will hope that you will understand what I'm going through and you will do the same and none of us will ever be pleased!! WHAT A LIFE!!

And a lot a lot of saying … it never ends !!

A letter to depression!

Dear depression:

I know we have been together for a long time

I understand that you must be there in my life from time to time; but I'm kindly asking you for a break … would it you please understand why I need a break? Because

Two days ago I was the happiest person on earth!! Life was great … I spent 2 days with my best friend hanging out laughing that was heavenly to me after those dark months

And then it hit me again …. You hit me again Depression. ..And why? Is two days too much for me>? I just wanna have some peace. ..To be able to smile for days...to enjoy the blue sky and my favorite season … to enjoy the rain...to enjoy every drop of it!!

The weird thing is that I'm very optimistic person … I love hope faith and light …so why you keep hitting me like you can't find someone else? I have learned a lot about life but what still freak me out , I will admit what I didn’t learn yet … my mistakes … loving too much …forgiving too easy… trusting too quickly and expect the same from people I think I will stick with the quote " give more and … expect less "

Regardless that I believe that forgiveness is the most powerful thing anyone can do and not everyone is able to do such a thing … its very hard extremely hard.

I never figured out why I suffer this much?? Do I choose the wrong people in my life??

No I have lot of great friends and I love every single one of them then why suddenly everything is a mess!! Such a mess and my biggest hole where one of my best friend and I mean the best is not there beside me and I dunno why ...such a lose such a waste of time to be apart god I miss how we used to be!!

So please give me a chance to fix my life ...to breathe …I wanna stand on my feet again

My dearest depression … please accept my request

….

Your favorite person.

Nahla ali

Dig deep in Me !!

…

at some point I actually believe that u can grip my heart back and thrill me with your action but it's seem like I was wrong I'm just fallen out of love some how.

I thought u would take advantage of this chance 2 show me how much u need me to let me realize how much u grow up to make things better than they had ever been before.

Last time I saw you I was leaving with hope I had faith in you. You were smiling and I thought that's it… that's it the sun will shine soon in that moment I was actually dancing screaming from happiness. He finally understands he finally accept me for who I'm with my madness moments with my silent moments with my passion with my uniqueness with all my little things. Then days goes by and we were talking, I intend to smile I intend to show that I have hope in you but my heart aches more and more every time we finish our call I guess I was waiting and it felt like dancing alone even with out music we were in different worlds separated… I was hoping and you were there just watching I couldn't understand why you still not the man I want why he is acting like that? I'm totally confused and that's shock me… kills me I can't figure out my man my only prince I have ever lived with in my fairy tale for more than 5 years. My best friend told me I grow up my needs are growing too I need so much more than words I need action I need to see a change , need 2 understand much more .I need some reasons why you are doing that?

And what freaks me out that I loved you I didn’t try to fix you because I accepted u for who you are. But could you for one sec see me for who I'm. Could u dig deep inside of me? Could u love the darkest thing in me! Could u love the craziest thing I have ever done? Could u hear me ... I have been singing for a while waiting for you to listen. I have stayed enough to notice me. But still I'm sure u didn't dig enough 2 know the true me? Do you have the effort or are you just okay with what you know because that's not enough for me I need more and that's not selfish its intimacy I'm seeking here and that's what really counts! I did for you much more I could live a whole day for you and no one will notice I know all about u I know how u sleep . How u drink, Eat .how even walk I can tell you what you did for a whole day I loved your darkest secrets I listen to your little breath between the words. Was that not enough for you? Even so I'm still trying I'm still digging I'm still there even in my worst time in my life.

nahla ali

Spices things up!!!

Remember the first 8 months of your relations???

They were so fun so amazing that you can't forget

The sweet feeling you shared and every single hour "I love you and I miss you" texting and the talking all night long.

Well when time goes by things disappears because of the routine and boredom which is number one couples break up. So how can you spices things up again and make your love life more exciting???

It's not easy to bring everything back so quickly but it worth the effort.

Always search for new things …

Don’t hang out at the same place every single outing

I know lots of memory and all of that but a new place will have new memories and lots of fun too.

Plan a whole day like old days and do everything you love to do together or Go on trip…

It's so important from time to time to go on trip …have time to focus on each other… have a long walk or talk :D remind each other why you like each other in the first place…so refreshing for the relation.

It doesn’t matter how many dates you have been on…look your best or wear something new so he/she will sees you in new fresh way…make every date special that's number one key to very happy relation.

Let's do it!!!

Go learn new things together like play sport together it show the competitive side of both of you plus its lots of fun.

Go for dancing classes together. If you like drawing then head to anywhere where you can draw freely and try to draw each other that will be so funny. Go for karaoke night and sing for each other and make it embarrassing as much as you can: D.

Start a project (or think of one LOL)

It's great to see each other working for the same aim

Make you grow stronger and learn plus you will share passion. Me my self love to share my ideas with my partner lo 7ata 7aga most7el he /she will be glad to share such a dream

Surprise!!!!

Little things always matter the most…if he/she is having a long day surprise him/her by a small message with lovely words or even a short call. Just remind them that you are thinking of him/her.

Take it's slowly

It helps the relation to be alive for much longer time and make it much special for every step, it's like we have something to look forward to and not like

Been there and there … ah and there too… done that.

Don’t ever never forget a birthday or anniversary or even say we have been together for so long so whatever forget about it that ruin the relationship.

Nahla Ali,

A RELATIONSHIP IS BAD FOR YOU WHEN ...by marwa rakha

1. It takes away from your happiness instead of adding to it (you are growing sadder by the minute)

2. It feels lonelier than when you were alone (loneliness is a feeling that is accentuated by neglect)

3. You feel that they will not answer the phone most of the times you call (deep down you feel unwanted)

4. You feel that you will be let down ... again! (it has happened so many times that now it has become the norm)

5. You no longer enjoy your own company (you take your restlessness with you wherever you go)

6. You no longer enjoy life (everything is just pale and uninteresting)

7. You do not recognize your own reflection in the mirror (you hate how weak you are)

8. Your partner is negative and easily put down (switched off and worn out most of the time)

9. Your partner sounds depressed most of the time (specially over the phone)

10. Your partner is depressed over stupid insignificant issues (That is how self-centered that person is)

11. Your partner does not go out of his/her way for you (driving over to see you is such a tiresome effort .. or why pick you up if you have a car ... or why cancel an outing when you are under the weather ...etc.)

12. Your partner has to choose between his/her friends and you (and they always win)

13. Your partner does not give you gifts (stingy)

14. Your partner does not plan surprises for you (uncreative .. and could not care less)

15. Your partner takes you for granted (you will always be there no matter what he does)

16. You feel inhibited and judged most of the time (you just can't talk)

17. Your partner does not have a purpose in life but you do (does not know why he/she was created ... has no contribution to the universe)

18. Your partner has a purpose in life but you don't (you will not get half of the things he/she does and will misunderstand the rest)

19. Conversations turn into fights and the communication channel is blocked (you seem to speak different languages)

20. Your partner asks you out last minute (it means that you are the last option if everything else does not work)

21. Your partner cancels outings last minute (something better came up)

22. There is a lot of uncomfortable silence on the phone (tension)

23. There is a lot of meaningless chit chat when you meet face to face (boredom)

24. Your relationship is based on sex/ physical attraction (after a while you will not even want that)

25. Your relationship lacks passion (he/she is emotionally unavailable)

26. You break up a lot or you wish you could break up but you can't (too much turbulence)

27. You cannot think of having kids with that person (you have the impression that they will be uninvolved and unreliable ... you will feel like a single parent)

28. You do not think that this person would make a good enough mother/father for your kids (too aggressive, too selfish, too immature, too intimidating ...etc.)

29. You know that this person cannot handle tough times and is easily breakable (If you have a kid with special needs he/she will walk away or would totally blame you for it)

30. You are sick and the last person you want to see is your partner (you cannot show your weakness for fear that he/she will use it against you or will lose interest and leave you)

31. You do not trust your partner's sense of judgment (you feel that you have a better head ... or his/her logic is flawed) 32. You do not trust your partner in your absence (his/her code of ethics is dysfunctional)

33. You cry ... a lot (you are just sad inside out)

34. You feel angry at yourself (it shows in sudden mood swings and while driving)

35. You have experienced physical or verbal abuse (and you blamed yourself for it)

36. You are afraid of your partner (you feel he/she is flammable material)

37. Your partner is jealous of you and your achievements (look out for sarcasm and sudden rain on your parade)

38. Your partner enjoys seeing you suffer (this is the only way he/she gains power over you)

39. Your partner puts you down and enjoys it (this is the only way he/she can distract you from your goals)

40. Your partner does not care if you are sad or upset ("relax" and off he/she goes to see friends)

41. You do not feel supported, understood, or appreciated (you feel neglected and hurt)

42. You have to hide stuff from your family and friends (because everyone will blame you for accepting this treatment)

43. You feel single and looking (everything about you is screaming lack of fulfillment)

44. You feel that your partner is selfish (You and your needs are off his/her radar)

45. You feel that your partner is lazy (you do not even want to burden him/her with requests)

46. You feel that you will never be together (you can silence the voice of reason but your gut feeling knows better)

47. Maintaining the relationship feels like hard labor (you are always exhausted)

48. You feel that you are the only one working hard to keep the relationship on track (or else it will fall apart)

49. You lose respect for that person (the thought of that person is revolting)

50. You wish you could push a delete button and that person, your memories, and your pain would just vanish (there is no delete button ... we all know that! But there is a delete and block button that helps you move on)

A memory with the rain

When the rain fall leaving a fresh smell at the early morning it made my mind keep going back to the same place,
a memory that I had once lived ,sweet time we shared I loved those days so much and every time it rains I ran quickly to stand in the rain to feel the cold drops on my skin and remember something I have once heard and more felt that who ever said that sunshine was happiness has never danced in the rain,
a memory is just more than remembering the truth is that the memoirs is a feeling you once lived and couldn’t forget, so one day I will remember today in the future and I will miss it so I will make it worth remembering
Nahla ali

Moving On ..

Its the most messy note u will ever read but that's what i feel
...today is the begining of my new diary a whole new but i wouldnt throw the old one yea it has lots of sadness,heart breaks and way lots of tears but it also has the most joyfull moment of my life wat has gone has never been less important than wats comming bec it defind apart of u ,apart u wanna keep or wanna fix.
its crazy 2 realize that things become so clear in the middle of ur darkness & how can u become stronge in the middle of ur weakness.
how chocies can change ur whole life not 4 better nor the worse but 4 the new of u 2 take wat u need not wat u want...
so i'll begin wiz my messy start bec i'm not seekin 4 perfection but 4 the better..
if it rains on me who cares..rain is joyfull i'll dance ..
if it gets dark who cares dark is peaceful i'll rest and count the stars..
if i'm lost i'll ask a friend 2 lead 2 show me the right road.
and if i'm whole alone thats how life tells me 2 stand & carry on its ur turn 2 build ur self &lead it,2 hold 2 ur beliefs
We forgot that we r humans must fall & raise and we must ask god 2 give us the ability 2 stand strong in the middle of the battle dosent matter 2 lose or won but 2 believe!
One of my biggest lessons of my life is 2 be myself ,love who i'm ,not faking wat most ppl wants and if i'm lucky enough i'll feel the poweful wind of love & acceptance.
so i'll love as long as i breathe
forgive as long as i live..
As i told ya i'm movin on ;)

Nahla ali

Left in the past

It was just like today…the day we were sitting here alone nothing but the sound of the sea and the shinning stars

I was just right here and he was just right there beside me, holding me tight that I could hear his heart bits when I looked into his eyes and saw the sparks just like the moonlight and I said “I can’t believe all this love is just for me!!’’ he looked to me and said “nothing is too much for you” then I felt his warm kiss on my forehead.

I took a long and a slow breathes and smelt the salt of the sea. I could feel the cold breath going through my hair making it so messy. It was a cold night and I could feel his tenderness warms me and his love surrounding me. Make me feel alive and fresh.

And now as every breath I take I remember every single memory we had together the laughing and sweet talk and the look on his eyes when he sees me. I lay down on the sand so I could see the stars, and I saw it, I saw the big star it's was very shinning as it always have been, that the star he named after me. If only I could say to her to bring those days back, if only you could tell him that I missed him... I need him … I really do love him. In that moment I realized that he wasn't there at least not with me. I felt so cold and insecure. I stood up and walked toward the sea until my feet toughed the cold water then I kept moving alone on the shore hearing his voice inside my head saying things I never forget. My tears where running on my face like rains. How could I forget those days with him? The days when I just look to him and couldn’t do anything but to smile as some joys are better expressed in silence as a smile holds more meaning than words. The days when I just look to his eyes and get lost and nothing bring me back to life but his voice. Should I move on in my life? Not without you. Could this pain ever end? Or forever I'll hold. I pick up a small stone from the shore and throw it away in the sea away in the dark away from everyone, could our love just disappear like the stone in just few seconds going down to the deep bottom of the sea. Yes our love will be just a memory left in the past. But May never a moment go by without you in side my heart.

Nahla ali