Friday, May 14, 2010

on the bridge !

Those little steps for me seem huge. Tough! or is it huge I mean after all I forbidden myself from thinking about the consequence, I decided to do what will satisfy me and what I desire after a long term struggling with thoughts , they seem " my thoughts" diverse from my action which is "not-so-me" so yeah my action and thoughts are not on the same page and I did nothing I didn’t even tried to put them in the same page , I'm within my feeling … my only feeling I'm following my guts and I'm not listening to my thoughts nor taking care of my action, in some moments I think I'm living someone's life that isn’t mine and I'm watching back there not in a bad way but in weird content way !

Life drifts me on a side I didn’t pick really!! But those steps that I'm willing or supposed to take are vast …it is huge...never thought follow your heart sentence is that hard or hysterical… I'm getting what I want what I have been dreaming for so long, I worked hard to get it and there it is! So why I'm so afraid to cross that bridge and take it …it could be mine forever I proved I deserve it so why...why the hell I'm having second thoughts… every time I think its risky to cross over I found myself stepping toward it more and more and some times the wind just blow me over there and I didn’t resist is that mean I really deep down think it’s the right thing to do? And that fear is only human Normal fear of risking!! Or I'm blaming my self so hard that I feel that I don’t deserve this happiness but I do deserve! I guess I will never be apple to let go of that habit blaming my self for everything even if it was not my fault… so there my feeling which I'm going with is letting me flow with the wind, my action which I'm not thinking of seem to give up to my own feeling … my thought which impair me the most is just holding me over the bridge from taking those steps!!

This whole thing is not making sense … life is never sense somehow just like Alice said in wonder land " If I had a world of my own everything will be nonsense
Nothing will be what it is because everything will be what it isn't

I decided to let it be … what is going to be...

Because its gonna happen what ever I decided if I'm too afraid from getting hurt again , it will cross over the bridge for me if it meant to be!! So wouldn’t it be safer to get hurt on bridge or on the other side when my feet are on the ground!! I think its safer on the other side maybe after all I will not get hurt and I will taste pure happiness with what I deserve who know!! My feeling won again huh… what a beautiful mess! Thou you are pulling me toward you in the same time…such grateful for your help !