Is it already the last month of the year? I really wanna end this year additionally begin a fresh new one thou I had a great things this year I finally get into the university I wanted and studying something I dreamed of, Español :D yes I actually can speak a little Spanish now it's dazzling however it keeps me busy like hell no time for anything just going to the Uni everyday getting back home for studying and eventually sleeping no time for writing , blogging but I missed writing, I missed holding the pen writing what I feel and thoughts, I normally write allness in my note first then copy them here, I do not know why but there is something about the pen that makes you fall inlove with writing in how you can draw the word according to your feeling!
oh and its getting cold here which something I love I have no clue why people hate winter and cold, it's always a chance to let out your warm feeling everything become magical people are more relaxed , friends are so closer and cozy , ice cream taste better I LOVE ICE CREAM IN WINTER! The house become so warm, the streets, tress, everything get cleaned and sparking from the rain OH THE SOUND OF RAIN! Clothes become so trendy and classy I missed all of that! Oh anther thing such a messy random post :D but I know something I have been writing my diary for more than five years and just today I realized that I am doing it wrong I just write my affection, thoughts, dreams and goals I do not write what I did yesterday or what happened last week I do not write about the people around me thou I am every fond about writing about souls, people and friends I WANNA WRITE ABOUT PEOPLE. Weird me that is something to think about! How do you write your diary??
Sometime they just forget that writers are just like pianist they let the melody lead you to the feeling. listen to the melody between our words.
Some people say I look gloomy those days, but I'm not by any mean sad, its just I get this feeling especially around peopleloud voices , lots of faces turn gradually into colors , shadows into silence … like a theme song I enjoy it from far away , I just have too many thoughts covering my presence ,but I'm okay more than okay I finally getting what I really want , finally realizing too many things in life I never dream of, I'm finally not numb anymore , I once again believing in myself.
And I can see it, I saw it long ago the sadness shadow at the corner of your smile in every capture, the hidden anguish of not being "her" developing from negative inside the frame with you, and I shall never be, not any more.
I know you're just a memory I'm not complaining, its just something must be said, something I owe it to my self, something I got to get it out of my chest because its heavy really heavy and I can't take it anymore.
It was a habit daydream about you before going to sleep precious moments, but for a while I have been blocking my mind not that I want to think about you its just that I regretted enough getting back. Recently I tried to remember those moments but something is wrong, something new I can't remember your face! I tried so hard to remember, your facial figures are blank to me they doesn't fit into my dreams anymore I can't find you I really can't even catch your smell, I used to memorized those things for the past 8 years of my life. How ever the odds I sometimes find you in my sleeping dreams , couple days ago I dreamed the most beautiful dream about you it was like magic but like smoke you're gone before I know it, on that day you called and I was astonished not to mention afraid. Every time I dream about you, you call! I hate that I love the bond between us I just hate it because it maybe existed but its not working for me anymore, I'm sorry now I see clearly that you only existed in my dreams because in reality you wasn't the right one.
Dear friends
I know sometime I'm hard to figure out, but believe me all my beliefs are really simple. Sticking to it is the complex part, the world in my eyes is different than yours and what made me write this letter is the look in your eyes. I saw how weak you see me and it disappointed me to the extremes because I'm not by any means weak YOU BROKE ME but I still on my feet believing and holding on of however I believe, you kept blaming me for my forgiveness for my behavior for my smile, don't you see how strong to stand and smile when you aching inside don't you just see beyond silly words , fightsITS NOT ABOUT THAT, its about me I forgive I smile I'm keeping my soul a whole,I was silent for a while to hoping that you would understand but believe me when I say there is always satisfaction in scarification and this is me.
Dear caller
It's harder on me to ignore you, I'm not that person! But I'm doing the best for us. I know you said you want me beside where ever or how every it will take but as I told you before it wouldn't work you survived without me for more than four years and you will survive again, I can't do that to you again I'm sorry. It’s the best for you.
Dear stranger
I sent you a message by wrong and you called I told you I'm sorry wrong number, you said its okay then you sent me a happy feast message even when you don't know me, thank you for believing that everyone need a smile even if they were strangers.
My mind bursting of million marvels and I'm naive how to light the sky along with.
Pens are writing empty envelopes through rainbow veins. I glue them over every shape of creation, and I wonder if I have been created differently something much more simpler, I have no roots to stand still nor I know where my thoughts , words come from, define mebecause gravity doesn't limit me from tasting the sky.
But I will be your sign of love
Your sign of beauty
And if I would be something else I would be tree, a sea, a breeze in summer time, eyes would fall on me like rain in windy nocturnal.
I would embrace you with my shadow
Splash you with my salt
I would be your brief.
I was created differently I'm the prevalent secret on earth, a walking miracle ,I only offer a smile, a sparkling color in my eyes through them you see a seashell to pick , a cherry tree to taste, and laughter among many memories,
My hair is bright like the sun, my soul is an ocean with hidden sand castle of thoughts, and I'm fragile cotton flower I'm human.
Because We long for cozy hot teapot with sweet company, a rush of bicycle race with a precious pal, or a glimpse of an admirer's eyes, our souls are fasten within our dreams locked in some where behind those fears WE ARE OUR SOULS I shall say to you. Watch the waves, the clouds, and the sun
They all lean down to you. Because you're the walking miracle. you're component of the universe that's why I listen to the sea where I belong , I belong to natural , I belong to you and because you just took a part of me and I took a piece of you right now right here reading this, We are one and for once stop hurting me or them or anybody else you only hurting your piece within me stop erasing your existenceso pause listen to the universe , touch the sky , smell love, and drink happiness choose to be such a shooting star people will always look out in everysky .Reveal yourself to natural. This is more than life. the existence part forever after, the magic within the world the missing link to your contentment. Your soul.
When sun melts hanging dreams of the night, when it breaks through your window lighting a pile at the dark corner… torn letters, finished ink ,unwritten words all over your head and other written on walls ..Loud silence racing the illumination, shabby pictures covering the floor fighting the dust in vain, empty bed and wrecked clock… a classic murder scene of a broken heart.
That’s when I realized sometimes things have to be what it has to be. Sometimes things are not what they seemed to be, and sometimes things are not true!
Rainbow I love the rainbow but after all it’s a delusion. It’s a reaction of sun with drops of water the rain …my lovely rain, dreams I love dreams but after all they are only in my head another delusion of a million ideas in my unconscious mind.
They seem so unreal and yet with billion fans around the world. Love… my biggest delusion, disappointed in this moment, some believe in love and other just don’t. And I’m in the middle of no where but dose it has to be so real touchable to believe in? Can we just touch our dreams in so many other ways than material things?
Right now I just have to believe and let things have their own way after all everything starts from a point of nowhere. and make sure if got disappointed one day from someone walked away they don't have the right to take what you believe in with them.
“Tell me one last thing,” said Harry. “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” Dumbledore.
I don’t know why people think too much before showing a sign of love!! Terrified of rejection maybe? Or anxious of not receiving back the same love? But the whole point is to love and later for sure you will be loved by someone or everyone throw it at the world and it will come back to you in a way or another! To love is more effortless than most people imagine it could be just a smile or a caring touch! I heard before "tried too successfully" that when you pick up the phone for someone you like you have to SMILE they will hear it in your voice and it will send a message to their brain that you're happy enough to hear their voice and enjoy one hell of good conversation! Simple and easy but people used to forget those petite details...which actually make the different in life so then life become hollow and alike ..
a friend of mine which I miss really dearly told me before that love is an ability differ from human to another in which I absolutely agree .. In that case having an ability means you have the skills to grow! It can be bigger for sure stronger and more creative!
So expand your love ability, the world need your love you were born with it! So why not use it!! Give a face lift for someone today :)
She smiled warily and rolled her eyes within pushing her curls behind her ear and he was absolutely convince that there no such a beauty left in the world he didn’t see!
Those little steps for me seem huge. Tough! or is it huge I mean after all I forbidden myself from thinking about the consequence, I decided to do what will satisfy me and what I desire after a long term struggling with thoughts , they seem " my thoughts" diverse from my action which is "not-so-me" so yeah my action and thoughts are not on the same page and I did nothing I didn’t even tried to put them in the same page , I'm within my feeling … my only feeling I'm following my guts and I'm not listening to my thoughts nor taking care of my action, in some moments I think I'm living someone's life that isn’t mine and I'm watching back there not in a bad way but in weird content way !
Life drifts me on a side I didn’t pick really!! But those steps that I'm willing or supposed to take are vast …it is huge...never thought follow your heart sentence is that hard or hysterical… I'm getting what I want what I have been dreaming for so long, I worked hard to get it and there it is! So why I'm so afraid to cross that bridge and take it …it could be mine forever I proved I deserve it so why...why the hell I'm having second thoughts… every time I think its risky to cross over I found myself stepping toward it more and more and some times the wind just blow me over there and I didn’t resist is that mean I really deep down think it’s the right thing to do? And that fear is only human Normal fear of risking!! Or I'm blaming my self so hard that I feel that I don’t deserve this happiness but I do deserve! I guess I will never be apple to let go of that habit blaming my self for everything even if it was not my fault… so there my feeling which I'm going with is letting me flow with the wind, my action which I'm not thinking of seem to give up to my own feeling … my thought which impair me the most is just holding me over the bridge from taking those steps!!
This whole thing is not making sense … life is never sense somehow just like Alice said in wonder land " If I had a world of my own everything will be nonsense
Nothing will be what it is because everything will be what it isn't"
I decided to let it be … what is going to be...
Because its gonna happen what ever I decided if I'm too afraid from getting hurt again , it will cross over the bridge for me if it meant to be!! So wouldn’t it be safer to get hurt on bridge or on the other side when my feet are on the ground!! I think its safer on the other side maybe after all I will not get hurt and I will taste pure happiness with what I deserve who know!! My feeling won again huh… what a beautiful mess! Thou you are pulling me toward you in the same time…such grateful for your help !
I panic! I do panic at losing things, people, and feeling!
I rarely lose but every time I'm close of losing something I panic even a feeling I panic when I lose faith , hope or respect/trust to someone!
So I had this beautiful earring my mum gave to me its so old and stunning white demands look like a flower I once lost a pair in the house I searched for it for days until I found it and kept it safe some where! so I wouldn’t lose it again forgetting the other pair in my ear I forgot about it for like 6 month until yesterday I was playing with my hair and felt the empty place for my earring I ran to my room and put my earring back the moment my eye found it that day I felt like a piece of me is back beautiful what I felt! beside my view I sit so I can see the sky and my daisy flowers I sit there for my daily watching stars at mid night suddenly I found him under my view the moment I popped my head he called me on my cell phone and his first word was "I missed you" he having been
Standing there for an hour waiting for me to show up when I was extremely sure that I lost him that sometimes when I remember our days together it felt like a delusion didn’t even happen just my imagination but he came back! Just like my earring I felt the emptiness where it was but couldn't remember to put it back!
maybe sometime something meant to be lost to be found in another perfect timing or maybe sometime something meant to be lost so other new things can come I'm not certain about it but what I'm sure of is that there is a reason behind it and good feeling worth waiting for!
Wouldn't it be beautiful if I could put joy and happiness in jars? So anytime I could unlock the lid and it will flow everywhere!! Or I just could feel your heart between your arms for one minute.
With every beat of my heart I will light up a candle so you can see how much your love glow my life… with every breathe of mine I send you a kiss that will wrap your heart and keep you warm for the rest of your life… the moment you blink I freeze the time so it wouldnt count on me.
You're not perfect I know you are
I'm not perfect I know I'm.
But you add something
And I obtain everything
You do love me
I know you do,
But somehow keep missing
I don’t know why!
You were far and I was there …I left and you were gone and
One night I woke up hearing you calling my name and fairy dust were gleaming everywhere I run and run aimless falling into million sparkling skies hearing the echo of your sound, I chased the wind holding your smell but I failed to grab any of those, I sit alone tangling my hair around … staring to those hearts with little wings flying above me
" oh that will take me to you" I tried so hard to hold on, to catch one … " little pinky hearts come back"
I ran to stairs hanging from no where but they were gone I was too late... I sit back on the same spot waiting for you, clutching that fairy dust from the air collecting them in my hand putting them against my heart they got fizzy as they felt my broken heart
I asked " can you fix it for me?" they tickled me so hard that I felt my laugh flying for miles I opened up my eyes and I found you…you were here besides me and
you said
"I heard your laugh it bring me alive, bring me to you…" I ran to you feeling your arms around me holding me tight that I couldn’t let go again
Sometimes life become so overwhelming just like a big swing
The one that everybody adore , admiring the rush of it , everyonegetting on board smiling enjoying the slow ride and it unexpectedly turn up so quickly so fast that you forget to breathe , your heart speeds and become so numb that you can't feel a thing… just passing by , colors become figure-less images disappearing and voices , so many voices are blending together becoming silence, very loud silence that can hurt your ears, fading away and you are totally alone in the world NO the whole world disappeared you escaped time ! The swing is too fast and too strong to handle so you wait around for it to slow down and jump or otherwise you can jump whiling spinning ignoring the fact that you may crash and hurt yourself roughly into emptiness!!
One of my favorite on earth " the sea " my dream house with "the sound of the waves , salt smell of the sea, golden sand, warm rays, and blue sky" deeply inlove !!
It was midnight...it's always midnight when he decided he can't take it anymore; he put on his coat and left home for a walk he didn’t know where to go but he opened the door and just walked away hoping he could leave his concern and fear behind.
The wind hit his face sturdy like continually waves it was wintry there, he tried to cover every inch of this body under this coat , the night was cruel just like how he feels lost , cold and undefined
he struggles to keep walking his way out even the trees were struggling with the wind to stand still, the moon was full leaving his light floating around smoothly like a song of sorrow for him … a tear run of his face couldn’t figure out is it because of the cold or because of the pain ?…the pain " Stop thinking like that " his mind told him " no I just can't take it anymore I was stupid I don’t even know how I did that she will never forgive me ..never "he found himself so near to her home fighting a monster inside his heart to stop right there and not going under her home shouting his throat out that he still in love with her and he is sorry " really sorry …maybe she will forgive me " " no not this time I hurt her so much I can't even forgive my self !!" then he thought maybe if he was lucky he will pass by her home and just seeher shadow across the window " I miss her … I miss her smell … I miss her smile .. I can't think about her anymore she is gone and I better stay out of her life I have done enough" the memory of seeing her smiling again took over and he couldn’t resist but to smile " she was the love of my life and I pretended she was not .. How fool I'm!!? he closed his eyes hard putting all his pressure, a fail task to erase her from his mind then he sighted a long meaningful painful sigh its not working and never will I'm clueless how to unbreak heart again ! I just wanna fade away life is so hollow without her smelling like fresh flowers at the morning, laughing around like babies she was his shine , his warmness , his comfort and he let her go … a sold sharp feeling crossed him! He gaspfor air although it was windy but he felt like there is no more air left for him to breath or essentially he doesn't want anymore oxygen inflowing his lungs ever again as long as she is not here besides him feeling his hand leaving him with that tenderness wonder of her and his sweet surrender! He lost her, He lost his lily pad!
